5 Ways to Make Peace with a Tantrum

Sometimes I think of myself as a guardian angel, subtly guiding my daughter towards staying a confident, self-reliant, creative, and compassionate individual. I do this by letting go. I'm not concerned with controlling her behavior, but with seeing her intentions/motivation behind her actions. This requires a lot of patience.

When Zosia challenges me, I have to make space between she and I and really look at what's happening without prejudgement. When I let go, instead of react, I have the opportunity to listen to my intuition. Sometimes I choose not to interfere with a choice she's made. (Is it really that important to me that she stop splashing in the dog's water? Or is it because it upsets my adult sensibilities?) Sometimes I need to step in to address a situation. When I do this, I try to connect first with her and then watch for clues she understands what I am trying to communicate. My relationship with her is most important. Gone are the days of spankings and withholding love as punishment.  

5 Ways to Make Peace with a Tantrum ~

1. Label the Emotion: When Z throws her head back, stiffens her body, and wails with fiesty squeals, I say to her calmly "Oh, I see you are frustrated. " Then I suggest she say "Oh I'm frustrated, Mama." I'll even mimic a little frustration so she begins to associate the word with the emotion. It helps her know I see her, I hear her, I care about what she is feeling, and I understand.

2. Take a Deep Breath: This is good for both she and I. I take a nice long inhalation and exhalation and ask her to do the same. Sometimes this works, most of the time it doesn't . But, I keep trying! Someday I know she will enjoy her breath as much as mama.

3. Do Nothing: Making space around the situation is key to acting out of love and intuition, over reaction and frustration. I'm not suggesting passivity in the sense of insecurity, but a relaxation into beingness that brings clarity and patience.

4. Match her Intensity: Sometimes I'll playfully mirror what I see her doing. Sometimes this will crack an immediate smile on her face. I'll make frustrated sounds and stiffen a bit, making sure not to 'make fun' of her but instead communicate to her that I see her, hear her, and I understand.

5. Maintain Deep Connection: The most important thing to me when I'm guiding her is to feel deeply connected. Gone are the days of issuing out orders or treating children like play toys with no regard to their beingness. Nourishing my relationship with her, limits the need for discipline. When you are in communion, life moves in harmony.